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lavoro pubblicato mercoledì 9 aprile 2014
ultima lettura sabato 26 settembre 2020

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Blessed Are The Forgetful

di SarahPagePlant. Letto 1199 volte. Dallo scaffale Straniera

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd." Alexander Pope, 'Eloisa to Abelard'......


I am here to write this last letter even if I’m almost sure I'll never let you read it, because I know you are not so fond of this kind of stuff. Nor I am, but I am in that kind of mood tonight, so if I actually decide to send you this, I'll ask you to read everything until the end, even if you will have the impulse to throw your computer out of the window. I just want to prepare myself to let you go, hoping that one day, somewhere in this world, we will meet again.
You were, and will always be, one of the most beautiful things that happened to me. In the future, I might think of you as just the first one who made me fall in love like crazy, but it's you. I don't know how to explain this, but... I don't know. It's you! Everything started with a few words, few simple words that cheered me up immediately. At first you were just a nice guy who had the patience to go through my whole list of movies and spot a missing number in a title. But then, what happened? I don't know, to be honest. I just started to look forward to go home because I knew you had left an enjoyable, long message.
Your messages! Every single line, every word, was always filled with kindness, affection, often with melancholia, loneliness, and you were always able to make me laugh so much at times, because you have a peculiar and hilarious way to tell stuff, and day by day I came to realize that maybe I had the chance to meet someone similar to me, someone that was able to comfort me during those terrible and oppressing days when I was feeling like the universe was about to crumble down and bury me alive. Soon, I started to love you as my one and only friend, a special person that never left me alone, even if there were hundreds of kilometers between us.
Then I heard your voice for the first time. It was shaking, every now and then you would giggle and be nervous, but couldn’t understand why. The sound that came out of your lips was the most perfect I’ve ever heard. I really thought "oh wow". So calm, soft, gentle and quite deep. I just loved it. We talked and talked, and it was so easy and natural, and the words we spoke were like a river. I can still feel how much my cheeks hurt. For the very first time, we were happy. And still, we couldn’t understand why. Do you remember the first time you said “I love you”? Man, I do. I also recall that just a second before you said "fuck you", and something else as a prologue. Another thing I remember, is that my breath was taken away. I remember that I was nothing, that I was nowhere, and all that mattered was the realization of one simple thing: I loved you too. I understood that I basically loved everything about you: your every single shade, every time you laughed and giggled, your stupid jokes, your incredible and genuine passion for movies, every poem you read to me, the gentle and timid way you asked me to shut up, and the way you told me to fuck off. I loved when you teased me, then told me I was so cute, I loved when you talked in Serbian, and that early morning when we just talked in our own languages, because there was no other way to tell certain things. I loved to stay up until late, talking with you until I could hear the birds chirping outside, I loved to sing “welcome back!" when you came back from school, and I loved to hear you cry over there even if it was killing me. I loved to hear you sighing when you felt depressed and anxious like I did as well. I always wanted to hug you in those moments, to protect you and let you rest for a while, until you calmed down, you know. We cried together, remember?, and I even named a pillow after you, because it was so hard not being able to be right next to each other, because we were still two kids, and seven hundred kilometers felt like the distance to the sun. We cried, and whispered soft words in the microphones. Ah, how many times you made me blush! Fuck you, seriously. You don't have an idea of how awkward it felt to look at that picture of yours, my favorite one, after we became boyfriend and girlfriend.
Then we met for the first time. Do you remember that morning at the station, sir? I do, and I will never forget how blessed I felt having you right in front of me, a tall and skinny boy wearing a black beanie. That morning I was so scared because I couldn't find you anywhere, and I ran like crazy, until I found you. You were doing something on your phone when I went inside. And I remember that unique expression on your face when you raised your head after I'd kicked your foot with one of my beloved boots..
And do you still remember those few days we spent together? When we finally hugged, and even smoked together and had a coffee? When we had lunch and dinner and did nothing but lazying around? Do you remember when your hand touched my chin? Do you remember when our lips touched and how everything disappeared in that moment? I was the moon and the stars, the wind, the seasons. I became a bird, clouds in the skies... I don't know, whatever, but it was incredible. And yeah, we were two sad and lost souls who had the chance to meet in the right moment, in the wrong places, but still had the chance to fall in love.
Maybe I didn’t love you, you know. It was more than love. It was something so huge, so strong, painful and breathtaking that cannot be compared to anything else. I still don’t know what was that, but it was far more mysterious and colorful, deeper and brighter than simple love.
Even now, in this very moment, I love you more than I can even tell, believe me. I'm writing this letter now, when just this afternoon you asked me if I could come there in April instead of March and God, it hurts. I miss you so much I can’t breath, and it’s as painful as I’ve been stabbed. Even now, I love you, but since you came back from France, something has changed, and you've realized what scares me most. I don't know... Since January I could tell there was something wrong because of the way you talked, your being so quiet and somehow... Bored? And then you told me.
When I called you earlier I was so pissed off. I mean, you didn't even told me you've started to go to the gym, I came to know it by chance. Let alone those drama classes. Maybe it was a mere excuse, but you could have told me you were busy because of those things. And you know what? I would have been so happy to hear that, I would have cheered and supported you the way I always support those I love most. But you didn't, and it still doesn't make any sense, so that's why I've decided to write this letter, knowing that very soon it'll be over. We haven't had a decent talk in ages. It's fading away, day after day, and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm scared you will give up. Then, there are times when I remember you said you'd like to move in with me somewhere, other times I just go on your profile to read those words: "I have an amazing girlfriend". Maybe it doesn't mean that much, actually, but you don't have an idea of how happy they make me. Every now and then I still see you sleeping on the sofa, wrapped in the blanket, I see you at the station before you left, when you waved your hand and said "see you in two months!", and I said "no, see you in eight weeks!". I even hear those words you whispered when we were in my living room, late at night, so close, and you asked me to let you protect me..
And you've changed. On day, you told me that you would never change. Even then I knew it was a big lie, one of those sentences lil kids say to pretend to be older, all grown up. Everything changes, and you knew it, but it was nice to think that you would have always been the same even after years. Really, I liked to think that way, even if it was a lie. I know I'm not gonna see you again. And I love you, that's the problem, even if you've changed.
But every story ends, right? Nothing lasts as long as we wished, and sooner or later we have to read that one last chapter. And this is the end of our story, the story of the two of us. Right? If I could, I’d keep you by my side forever, and hide you in my arms, so nothing would never hurt you, and you won’t have to listen to any hateful word, nor see anything upsetting. I would grow up with you, getting old and spend the rest of my days waking up next to you while you’re still asleep, and I wouldn’t have to say goodbye not even once, but I would only kiss you to wake you up, saying "I'll go make myself some breakfast. Do you want some?" and spend another day together. I know that life isn't this simple and beautiful, tho. Just for once, I’d like to walk to school with you, bump into you in the corridors, quarrel over silly things, throw a pillow in your face and then run away until you catch me. I’d kiss you, and hug you, and love you for the rest of my life. I'd fight, I'd hit you and yell at you, then I'd kiss you again and again and just live. Some of these are just selfish desires I have. I would never force you to do something or make you stay with me just to make myself happy, and I know you don't think it's possible for many reasons. I know. But I'd like to look at you while you're growing up, getting older and older. That, yes. That would be enough: watching you. I love you so much, and that’s why I’ll let you go. It's painful. Maybe it wouldn't be this hard if we'd never met, but fuck it. Those were the happiest moments I've ever had and I can already feel that nostalgia that's been hunting me since the bus disappeared around the corner. That's the way life goes on. But I have a few more things to tell you.
First of all, be happy. You are incredible, and you only deserve to smile and enjoy your time here, so promise me you will always choose what you love and makes you happy despite of anything else. Try your hardest, fight, cry, try again, and be happy. Move on. There are so many wonderful people in the world that would love you so much. Find a person that loves everything about you, the good and the bad things. Make that person feel the incredible happiness you made me feel, and more. Make her happy, treasure your time together, and love her. Love with all you’ve got, always, because we both know what to be sad and lonely means, and we also know what a miracle love can be. So fall in love, and fly. I want you to fly high up in the sky, I want you to be the loveliest person to be with, I'd even love to see the wonderful daddy you would become.
Another thing I want to tell you, is to work hard. Work your ass off, and be the best. Be a dreamer, and realize your dreams. Wish, and make sure to grant your every wish. Regret nothing. Be a good person. Be kind. Help. Give a smile. Cry. Understand. Listen. Be honest. Be strong. Be brave. Be yourself. Learn as much as possible, because we have to do so in order to give something more to the ones we love.
And this is my last wish - sounds like I'm about to die. The hell I am! And yes, I was thinking about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. - : don't forget about me. Listen well, because I don’t want you to take this as one of those cheap heartbreaking-monologues, even if I'm sure you're considering this whole letter that way.
I just want you to keep me somewhere in your heart, because I'll do it as well, because it happened and I'll always be grateful to you and even to God, in case one actually exists. Every now and then, close your eyes and stay with me for a while, so I’ll be able to hear what’s going on. Again, this is something a medium or a creep would say, but I like to think this way. I want you to remember me as I am now, deeply in love with you, with a cheerful smile on my face and one of my baggy hoodies on. Remember me as someone you loved, as one of your best friends. Every once in a while, go back to the night we spent watching the stars, when it was so cold you put your own hat on my head, or to that afternoon when we went to McDonald’s and I felt sick. Go back to when we tried to watch Synecdoche, New York but thought it was too weird. Remember all the movies we watched together and the ones we couldn't watch at all. All the poems we read and all the patience you had to listen to me singing. Go back to those moments when we would just keep quiet, because words were not necessary. Remember I learnt Fly Me To The Moon and those lines from Eloisa to Abelard thanks to you. Remember how I used to spell "sweating" or "scissors" and a whole lot of other words, and my "cat" position, and when we used to get philosophical around midnight. Remember when you were here and were so so cold, and remember these places, the mountains I love so much, the sky here, so wide and precious. Remember that you made me the happiest person in the world. You taught me what happiness is, what it feels like to be loved and treasured and missed; you made me cry and suffer so much, and sometimes you made me wonder if it would have been better if we'd never met, but in that case, I wouldn’t know how to love, to live, to be happy.
I’ll never leave you, I'm sorry. I will always be with you, in some of your happy memories, in a particular scent, in a movie we watched together. I will always be by your side, because you know I'm stubborn and I liked to annoy you whenever I could. I don't know what is gonna happen. I mean, people die, and one day, maybe, I’ll be watching over you from above. In that case, I will protect you during your hardest times. I’ll be happy with you, I’ll smile and cry and laugh and scream with you, and one day, I swear, we will meet again. I'll do whatever it takes to do so. Now that I think about it, I've already told you something like this.. Means you'd better keep it in mind.

Do you remember what we said? “We are soulmates". I'll never take back such words. I know this is going to be over soon, but it doesn't mean anything to me. What matters, is the simple fact that a part of me will love you forever. You are just... My first love, one of the most beautiful persons I've ever had the chance to meet. That boy.

Now, what I wrote up until now... Well, I wrote it right after you'd asked me to wait a bit longer to see you. In this moment, I'm writing after we... Well, it's over now. If I sent you this, it means this is a goodbye, because for me it would be a one-sided thing. Since I know myself pretty well, right after sending you this last letter because I got a "no" as an answer to my last message, I'll be outside smoking. Yeah, I'll cry a bit as well, and maybe I'll keep whispering nonsense words because I can't believe to what is happening and I don't know what I'm gonna do. But oh well, what can I do? I'll see.
It was so hard to end the call this time. I don't know if I'll ever hear your voice again, I don't know anything at all. I cried myself to sleep for days because I knew we were almost there. Yesterday, I pretended to be the though one, but now I'm pretty much empty. I'm still crying a bit, but I think it's because of this letter; I'm always like this when I read something I wrote when I was sad and you might hate everything in here, and that's alright man. I mean, it's understandable.
Now, I'm not sure why I'm still typing even if my left wrist is dead and the other one is going to end the same way soon, uh. Maybe it's because I still can't realize this whole thing. I can't let go, even if It has been quite a while since I understood I don't have the right to force things. I'd come there tomorrow, I just have to ask my folks to give me a ride to the airport, but as I wrote back then, there is a reason why I won't do anything stupid. And you'd hate me, I suppose.

But hey, it was great, wasn't it? Seriously, the right term to describe all of this doesn't exist yet; I hope that one day I will be able to use such a word to finally name all those incredible things you gave me.
And I don't know what to do with all I have left. I'm talking about that cute cupcake you bought me, the lil piece of paper where there are still traces of your majestic handwriting and that one where you draw something down. Your T-shirt. That fucking stain on the wall in my room - damn you, seriously.. -, and all those pictures. And all those songs. Even the movies we watched... For a while, things are going to be hard. But it's me, so I'll just keep going, as you will as well.
The plan was, to write this letter down and leave it on you desk or something, according to how melodramatic I can be at times. Original, ain't I? But now that I think about it, it sounds retarded even to me.

One last thing: I promise, that if one day I'll see you walking down one of those millions of streets out there, I'll smile at you. You know, I'll give you that particular smile I have when I'm happy, when I feel good, when I know there is beauty in every single thing, even the worst one. I'll smile, and I'll remember once again that what we had was amazing. Weird, painful at times, unbearable, but truly amazing and, most importantly, real. That day, I might think of how things could have been if we'd chosen a different path; I might compare my life then and the one I could have had, and in front of me I'll see that boy who looked at me with such a funny expression on his face, one morning at the station, when it was almost Christmas. Then I'll walk away. Maybe.
Ha, "In case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night!".
Thank you very much. Sii felice.

With Love,

P. S.
Were you happy? Because I was so happy.


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